Planking

On a recent visit with my wife’s family, and I stress it was my wife’s family; I was introduced to a new phenomenon that’s apparently sweeping the nation. The adult children of the couple we were visiting had made a recent visit whereupon they shared with their parents this new fad. Upon our arrival we were forced to succumb to repeated demonstrations. Of course I’m talking about planking - http://www.planking.me/.

Planking is simply the act of lying flat, straight, arms at your side, and face down – nothing more. One’s choice of where and with whom to plank and what to plank upon is what distinguishes one plank from another.

Since that enlightening day I’ve given considerable thought to this new trend. And it is a trend because it’s certainly temporary, unlike the equally foolish but enduring practice of teepeeing, which as everyone knows is the art of tossing toilet paper into the tree bowls of one’s favorite high school teacher. I think this tradition was foisted upon us by the greedy, mischievous executives at Charmin.

Planking, for those who are interested, and that’s likely a small but distinguished group, can be divided into three categories: panzy-planking, painful-planking, and perilous-planking. And within each of those categories are two sub-categories: party planking and personal planking.

Panzy planking is when one has mustered the nerve to lie prostrate in an unusual place, but the chosen place offers no danger or discomfort. For example if one chooses to plank on a couch or park bench or car hood.

When one chooses to plank on a small object and balance themselves on say a stone or hand-rail it can cause pain and spasms. The primary point of pain is caused by focusing all of one’s weight in a very narrow central region. The intensity of pain is dependent upon the size of the fulcrum. Back spasms frequently result and the chance of spasm increases with age. This is called painful-planking.

For those lacking sufficient cognitive function there’s perilous-planking. Planking from a limb hanging out over an abyss, or on the back of a moving motorcycle qualifies one for this category. Darwin’s theory of natural elimination is sufficiently disproved by the abundance of those choosing to plank in perilous positions.

One’s first planking experience is generally part of a group. Once one gains experience and develops planking skills, the next step is the solo plank, and thus the two sub-categories.

Now you know.